October 6, 2004
First, don’t ever think you have to hide things from me. Just so you know, I can usually see it anyways. I just don’t say anything. I like to check every now and then that you’re okay. I know you’re a “big girl” and can handle it, but that doesn’t mean I won’t worry about you to some degree. I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t! So stop being stubborn. That’s my job.
I’m towards the end of “Lovely Bones.” Haven’t finished it yet. It’s very different. It’s difficult to read because of the harshness of what happened. But don’t worry about the book having a bad effect on me. It hasn’t.
I know that severe sexual harassment doesn’t quite categorize what happened to me and it doesn’t matter necessarily, but I didn’t and don’t know what else to call it. Not a big deal. At some point I’ll share my whole story with you. But it’s going to take a lot of strength on my part. I’ve never talked about it before. Alex knows some very basic things, but not everything. Just enough to get me by without having to answer questions or explain things. Some of it, I’ve never told him. I’ll do my best with you.
As far as getting away for a weekend, I don’t think Alex would mind at all, as long as it doesn’t cost much. He’s pretty good about stuff like that (I think). He’s fine with it as long as he knows what I’m doing and who I’m with and that I’m not getting drunk somewhere. Now you’ve got me curious.
Part of me wishes I could take that list back that I sent you. I feel immensely vulnerable and very exposed. It was hard to write it, yet it helped calm me down a bit because I got it on paper and out of my head. Writing things down helps me to let go…to let my mind stop thinking about it because I’ve recorded it and can go back to it anytime. Does that make sense? I do that with everything, good or bad. You should see how many journals I have written in, plus lists I’ve made before bed and so on.
Which brings me to your second e-mail about being serious. I know that’s not your intentions. I’m always thinking so that’s not an issue. Writing you e-mails helps me get it out since I can’t see you and talk to you. Don’t worry, you’re not causing me emotional upheavals while I’m here in Myrtle Beach. I’m actually relaxed, though distracted. I noticed it today. My mind isn’t always here and focused on what’s going on. I felt bad about it today. Of course, I’m usually a bit spacey. But I thought a lot tonight and realized that I need to pay more attention to my parents. I think they were feeling neglected and pouting tonight. Not because of you or anything to with any of this. It’s that Alex and I chose not to hang out with them for a while and instead be by ourselves.
I’m fine with talking about serious things through e-mail. It lets me get them out. But it doesn’t have to be serious all the time. I usually am worried because I’m always writing you novels about what I’m feeling and thinking. Sometimes I think it’s too depressing and morose to talk about, but I’m fine if you’re fine!
It should be interesting to watch you get emotional, especially since that’s not your common nature! Although, sometimes I’ll take the cranky over that since I don’t like getting emotional much. Don’t worry about how you’re acting at all. The e-mails that you send me actually make me feel that you care.
Well, I”ll stop babbling since it’s 1am and I need to get to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night/day. Sleep well and I’m always praying for you.