Tag Archives: sexual harassment

Serious, Funny, Either Way I’m Good.

October 6, 2004

Howdy, Greta!

First, don’t ever think you have to hide things from me. Just so you know, I can usually see it anyways. I just don’t say anything. I like to check every now and then that you’re okay. I know you’re a “big girl” and can handle it, but that doesn’t mean I won’t worry about you to some degree. I wouldn’t be a friend if I didn’t! So stop being stubborn. That’s my job.

I’m towards the end of “Lovely Bones.” Haven’t finished it yet. It’s very different. It’s difficult to read because of the harshness of what happened. But don’t worry about the book having a bad effect on me. It hasn’t.

I know that severe sexual harassment doesn’t quite categorize what happened to me and it doesn’t matter necessarily, but I didn’t and don’t know what else to call it. Not a big deal. At some point I’ll share my whole story with you. But it’s going to take a lot of strength on my part. I’ve never talked about it before. Alex knows some very basic things, but not everything. Just enough to get me by without having to answer questions or explain things. Some of it, I’ve never told him. I’ll do my best with you.

As far as getting away for a weekend, I don’t think Alex would mind at all, as long as it doesn’t cost much. He’s pretty good about stuff like that (I think). He’s fine with it as long as he knows what I’m doing and who I’m with and that I’m not getting drunk somewhere. Now you’ve got me curious.

Part of me wishes I could take that list back that I sent you. I feel immensely vulnerable and very exposed. It was hard to write it, yet it helped calm me down a bit because I got it on paper and out of my head. Writing things down helps me to let go…to let my mind stop thinking about it because I’ve recorded it and can go back to it anytime. Does that make sense? I do that with everything, good or bad. You should see how many journals I have written in, plus lists I’ve made before bed and so on.

Which brings me to your second e-mail about being serious. I know that’s not your intentions. I’m always thinking so that’s not an issue. Writing you e-mails helps me get it out since I can’t see you and talk to you. Don’t worry, you’re not causing me emotional upheavals while I’m here in Myrtle Beach. I’m actually relaxed, though distracted. I noticed it today. My mind isn’t always here and focused on what’s going on. I felt bad about it today. Of course, I’m usually a bit spacey. But I thought a lot tonight and realized that I need to pay more attention to my parents. I think they were feeling neglected and pouting tonight. Not because of you or anything to with any of this. It’s that Alex and I chose not to hang out with them for a while and instead be by ourselves.

I’m fine with talking about serious things through e-mail. It lets me get them out. But it doesn’t have to be serious all the time. I usually am worried because I’m always writing you novels about what I’m feeling and thinking. Sometimes I think it’s too depressing and morose to talk about, but I’m fine if you’re fine!

It should be interesting to watch you get emotional, especially since that’s not your common nature! Although, sometimes I’ll take the cranky over that since I don’t like getting emotional much. Don’t worry about how you’re acting at all. The e-mails that you send me actually make me feel that you care.

Well, I”ll stop babbling since it’s 1am and I need to get to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good night/day. Sleep well and I’m always praying for you.

Nightie-night.

Kat

Advertisements

I Only Want What’s Best For You

 

 

October 5, 2004

Hi MB,

Let me answer some of your questions from your morning e-mail.

I didn’t like the ending of “Good in Bed” because it ended so quickly. I guess I wanted more for her than how it ended.

“Lovely Bones” was hard for me because it dealt with rape and a child was murdered. I am a big advocate for protecting children. I did like the dialogue of how she saw her family and how she wanted to help them heal from her death.

Based on what you shared in your e-mail, I’m not sure severe sexual harassment is the correct term. Either way it doesn’t matter because it was still a horrible experience. I would like to have you tell me the whole story if you can. I would feel privileged to have you share it with me.

I hope that our friendship can help you see what it is God sees in you. I hope I can be used by God to help heal some of your pain. I want you to experience the joy and love that God has to offer and no the dark and depressed stuff the world has given you.

Don’t worry about me. I’m a big girl. I just have bad days now and then and sometimes I can’t hide them from you.

Do you think Alex might let you get away for a weekend? I have though about something for the two of us. I think it would be good for both of us. I’ll tell you more when you get back to Pennsylvania.

Before I go, I just read and printed your list. It brought tears to my eyes. It also reminded me of some of the things I told myself, so let’s talk more about it. My feelings and thoughts for you haven’t changed because of the list. If anything they have gotten deeper.

Greta

*****************

Later that same day

Hi,

I just realized that I may have been a little more serious in my last e-mail. My intentions are not to get you to do all this thinking while you are away. I also know it isn’t easy when you can’t talk through some of the things you might be thinking about.

So if you want to go to lighter subjects until you get home, that is fine with me. But I know how much you like to write how you are feeling and thinking. If you want to e-mail me your thoughts and feelings and not have me reply, then just let me know. I hope this is making sense. If not, I am sorry. I don’t want to cause any more emotional upheaval, especially when we can’t through it because you are not here.

Kat, I only want what is best for you. Can you tell the hormones from the cancer treatment have kicked in big time? I get very emotional when that happens, so please bear with me. At least it is better than me getting cranky.

Well, I better wrap things up and get home to dig up my garden. We are expecting frost tonight and my tomatoes are rotting on the vines because of all the rain.

Until I hear from you…good night, Moonbeam.

Greta

 

 


One Day I’ll Be Free

October 5, 2004

Good morning Sunny!

Moonbeam is different, but I like it. So are you saying that I am the opposite of sunshine? (just kidding) My favorite song from Jeremy Camp just played on the radio. “I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see….”

You got serious on me this morning in your e-mail! You must be in a thoughtful, contemplative mood today. Of course, I’m usually silly when I should be serious. A way of distraction, I suppose.

Why didn’t you like the ending of “Good in Bed?” What bothered you about it? I think the ending was anticlimactic. I was bothered by her blaming and pushing aside God at the end. She took matters into her own hands. I started reading “Lovely Bones” last night. Interesting way that it is written. Takes a little getting used to. Well, I can tell you this much, that I was never raped. I’m sure I could have been with some of the stupid situations I’ve put myself in before, but I was never raped, if that’s what you’re thinking. Things were done to me sexually and I was forced to do sexual things to others, but it was never that severe. Just enough to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe call it severe sexual harassment. That’s why I asked you that question the other day. I was trying to clarify some things in my head and I’m still not totally clear, but it’s irrelevant. Anyways, I don’t like talking about this. I’ve never talked about it before to anyone and I don’t know that I want to start.

So, moving on…It’s great when I have moments to myself while I’m here at Myrtle Beach. Right now, I’m by myself in the condo living room writing this e-mail and listening to Christian radio. Alex is on the balcony talking to his parents on the phone. My parents are at the pool and hot tub. Gives me time to just think and relax. I wish we were closer to the ocean, though. Last year, when Alex and I were here with his parents, our condo was right on the beach. You could sit on our balcony and overlook the ocean. It was wonderful! I love the ocean, too, but I hate swimming in it. I’d rather just be near it to hear and see it. We might go down to the beach today. They talked about it. We’ll see. I’ll make sure to take some pictures for you. I have some from last year that came out really beautiful with the sun glinting off the gentle waves. I’ll have to bring them to work so you can see them. One of my goals this week was to sit and absorb, to just “be” in the presence of God and allow Him to speak to me, to try and hear things He’s telling me. But I have to balance that with spending time with Alex and the family. They get weird if I spend too much time on my own if I get too quiet.

I’m trying my hardest to see what you, God, and Alex see in me. I really am. But sometimes, okay, a lot of times, it gets very clouded by the anger and pain. I do believe (or at least I’m trying to) that God is going to free me and one day I’ll see myself in different eyes. That is my hope and prayer. I have a self-defeatist attitude sometimes where I feel that I’ve been like this for too long, that I’m not ever going to change so why bother trying, but I’m trying to fight that belief. I know that’s not what God wants for me. I want to experience the things in life that God has for me. I’m tired of always looking through a glass wall and can’t seem to feel the joy and love He has for me.

I hope you got to sleep last night. I was really worried about you when I got off the phone with you. I meant what I said…I don’t take vacations from my friends. Not to get all mushy or anything, but I thank God every day that He brought us together. I’ve prayed many long times for a friend like you. It was funny. I was looking through some old journals of mine and came across a list that I made of things that I was looking for in a friend that God needed to bring to me. It made me smile and think of you.

Well, I need to get going. Everyone’s back and getting itchy to do something. I have no idea what, but we’ll see! Tonight we go to the Dixie Stampede. I’ll let you know what it’s like. Talk to you later and take care of yourself, sunshine.

Kat